Eventually I'll pull up my big girl panties and get over it...

If we don't feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow.


Well then.....thank you Reading Fairies.
Cuz my head's been filled with a bunch of angry thinking.
I haven't acted angry--I'm sure I've looked composed and calm and reasonable as I go around acting composed, calm and reasonable

<-- am none of the above in my brain

So excuse my tantrum... I know I keep coming back to this CRAP time and time and time again.

It probably involves a 'surrender' of some type....and apparently the 'surrender' hasn't happened YET.

I'm tired.....TIRED of every freaking thing revolving around food.
I don't even LIKE food. Seriously.. I've had this long standing deal with food/weight/body image. I can trace it wayyyy back--and I have traced it wayyyyyy back. I don't have a 'good relationship' with food.
I know food's required.
I know it's fuel for the body.

Hold on......I'm trying to act composed and calm and reasonable about all this even now... Lemme try this again. I'm tired of every freaking thing revolving around food.

My weight (or lack thereof).
My size.
My overall appearance.
My ability to go places and do things that the people around me would like me to be included in.
Conversations...sometimes HEATED conversations.
People crying in frustration because they're worried about me.
People assuming responsibility to solve the stupid issue because they're so frustrated.
Arguments.
Powerstruggles.
All the attention that it gets given.
All the decision making that revolves around it.
The freaking inconveniences.....

Nope--can't have dressing for Thanksgiving--can't cook a flour product with the gluten free turkey... 'cross contamination'.
Nope--won't be baking a pie this year or ANY year
Nope--don't touch that loaf of bread that's in the house for sandwiches for those who can eat wheat products.
Nope--can't have that piece of licorice.
Nope...can't go there for dinner cuz they have no gluten free items on the menu.
Nope--can't wear that...too big.
Nope--it's hanging from you.
Nope....I won't buy it (even thought it looks really good) because you can't have it.
Nope--we'll leave after you eat something.
Nope....we'll stay home--you look tired and worn out.
Nope, nope....nope!

Every day I go to the closet and I'm not exactly pleased.

Every day I do a battle over walking past things I can't have, can't touch, can't do--and every day I get grief about not eating. I can't eat that....and I'm not in a position to find something TO eat cuz it's just not feasible/doable at that moment in time.....
Or I eat something they think 'doesn't count'.
Or I've waited TO eat something I can safely have and now it's so freaking late and I'm so tired that all I wanna do is go to sleep...
I can't eat that stuff at work, period......even if it doesn't have flour IN it, it was baked in the oven with other flour products.......NO I'm not 'starving myself'. Gawd......
I ain't telling people what happens when I DO eat that stuff......that ain't their problem OR their business.
NO I'm not going to other people's houses for a meal.
Nope...ain't gonna inconvenience the rest of the world who can be around and DO and be okay with all this food crap. Do what you want to do and I'll figure it out later--I'll fix myself something when I get home.
Go ahead and have what you want....I'll FIX MY OWN dinner.

Being checked up on for G-ds' sake.
People popping into my office.
Getting handed something as I'm racing out the door for work......
The boss asking if I've had a chance to have something to eat?

And really....I don't like meat. I've never liked meat. I'm never going to like meat.

Eating is going to be a battle for me every day. IT JUST IS.
Some days it's a bigger battle....it becomes bigger when I let those comments about food/eating/size get bigger. And they get bigger if I have a 'doesn't fit' moment.
Really--it's NOT MY FAULT 'smalls' belts hang like a 'V' on me. Once upon a time longggggg ago it was a deliberate and personal QUEST..... That ain't the case today.
I worked hard to not let it BE the quest.

I don't know why I fluctuate in sizes of clothing, I just DO.
Quit telling me my bones stick out. Quit telling me how thin I am.
For once in my life I can SEE how crappy I look.....

NO I'm not focused on my weight/size......but damn sure the rest of the world is around me!



And as I try to keep the focus OFF all that so I can DO right things.....the world around me keeps pulling it back.
Make 'em shut up and leave me alone......