Hope........

Just a trickle.

I need just a trickle of that 'hope' that all things will turn out.

And I need to step away from my head, which still is not clear from the deluge of flu like crud that swept through me......so I don't hear the personal responsibility all on me for the lives of 42 people being turned upsidedown.

It is not good to cry in this state--yet that seems to be all that I can do.

That and listen to the tapes in my head that tell me "You complained too long and too loud about things.......and the end result is THIS.". I can listen to my boss who tells me 'this isn't true', or I can listen to the heavy heart that carries this belief, based on a brain that won't stop shouting it. YOUR DOING.

I will never know--I'll never trust what's handed to me as truth.


Just a trickle.

A bit of a flow.

...Assurance that all things will turn out for the good....that people will be 'okay'. People that I care about--ones who trusted me to do right things, to fight for them.......to chase what was ultimately good and true........

A trickle.

A smidgeon.

Some small indicator somewhere......something.........

I can't listen to me without carrying the burden. Because regardless of what's told to me--so were lies. Withholding of truth.

I'm just as guilty.

And now, what I'll be left with -- standing with me......because the lines of separation will be drawn with this, between me and my people-- I've become a liar. I'll stand with the other ones.

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making." says The Big Book. "...we invariably find that at some point in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."

I'm there.

For them--I need that trickle of hope.....

I'll deal with me another time.

FOR THEM........