I suffer from selfish puke syndrome.....

And here I am -- one selfish puke.......... *sigh*

One child in jail--whose letter I haven't replied to. I oughta do that. I'm simply procrastinating cuz I know what I need to say and it just hurts my heart. No, he cannot come here to stay--it's not an option. As much as I love him--I won't live in that degree of fear again.

One child in England, celebrating the fifth place finish of that little boat she went 3770 miles across the Atlantic on..........she's made the decision to chase the opportunity offered to her and take her company up on the promotion and contract at one of their sites in England.

What's to think about? Another opportunity of a lifetime.
Housing and utilities paid for. A promotion and a U.S. salary. A year of sailing paid for at a prestigious yacht club.
She wasn't certain and was going to check out where her feet landed on this trip.
They've landed on the opportunity and it's truly one worth celebrating. I'm glad for her. I really and truly am.

But--

I'm just a selfish puke some moments.
I want to hold on to things that have great meaning to me.
I resist change and I know it.
I like what I have today, even if some of the circumstances make me incredibly sad.

I know it's fear and I really don't care at this moment.
Too soon, I'd suppose...........I need a bit of time to wrap my head around it all.

So I have one kiddo who's suggesting going into the military once he's done with his jailtime and his record is expunged-- at a not so opportune time politically. Same one that I won't allow into this house because there's messes to clean up and chances I'm not willing to take today. I love him to death and back and I just will not do it. I could--but I'm not willing to place myself into that myriad of insanities again. I'm just not willing......... I surrendered almost two years ago to the fact that this journey might mean his life. I put him in G-d's hands cuz I couldn't give what him what he needed.

It didn't stop me from being fearful--oh, how I wish it had. It's not all consuming, it's not controlling me--but it's ever present.

And now there's this other kiddo--happily starting her own adventures across the pond. Yep, you steal a Brit and the Brits steal one back.

I'm trying.... I'm REALLY trying to celebrate for her and not be a selfish puke about all this.

It's just fear.
MORE freaking fear.

Oh please, please............let me slap on that happy face and get around to meaning it REAL soon!
Elsewise, I'm gonna get all kindsa teary and weepy and that's so unfair, uncool and so unloving at this moment in time..............