Letter to the boy

"S.~~

I’ve managed to re-read the second letter and poem sent on to me. It made my heart hurt the first time I read it—and it hurt no less the second. I don’t know that I can say that I ‘understand’ your feelings—I doubt that you’d agree that I could even comprehend what it is that you’re feeling. You could be very right about that. I do know that the letter and poem saddened me all over again.

You wrote about wanting to please me and make me proud. And you wrote about feeling like you fell short of that every time you tried. You labeled yourself a ‘failure’ and the ‘odd duck out’.

Please know those are your labels—not mine. I’ve not thought of you as those things—you’re G-d’s kiddo and you have lessons--life lessons to learn. I’m clear I don’t get to teach anymore. I proved ineffective in that some time ago.

You’re one of the two kiddos I got graced to have in my life. I don't see you as you think I see you. You’re out learning lessons in life. I do wish they were less painful lessons for you and for everyone involved….I also know I don’t get to be in charge of that.

I can’t change your feelings of being a failure. Those are your feelings. But I do need you to know that I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think the same way. I don’t view you in terms of that label you placed on yourself. I just don’t.

I’m proud of who the boy innately IS. I know you’re a man today, but that boy lives inside of you. He goes with you wherever you go. He carries that sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s true. What you do today won’t change that I’m proud of the boy inside—it hasn’t yet. I know you know what’s innately good and true and right.

I wish I could change your feelings and your perception of you. I don’t get to. That’s not my job today. Once upon a time my job was to teach the "right, wrong, good and true". Deciding to act differently doesn’t mean you don’t know those things. I know you know. I didn’t teach perfectly. I do wish I could have been more effective in helping you see what was good and true about you. Perhaps that feeling of failure you feel today wouldn’t be so prominent and you’d believe in your own greatness as much as I believe in it.

Can I suggest that you stop trying to come up with ideas that you believe will ‘please me’ and begin trying to please you in a way that you can be proud of? Because the only one labeling you as a ‘failure’ and the ‘one no one is proud of’ today is you. I don’t think that where the actions have taken you to date have been ‘pleasing’ to either of us. You don’t like where they’ve taken you—neither do I. If you want different, you’ll have to do different. I’ve never given up the hope for you to discover the great kiddo that I know you to be. I have people surrounding me who remind me of this. And you’ll always BE that kiddo in my eyes. I don’t have to like what you do to love you.

If chasing the military pleases YOU, if you believe this to be a chance to help YOU be proud of YOU—DO that. It can give you opportunities. It can take your life in a different direction if you let it. But do this to make YOU proud of you. To have your record expunged of the felonies and to even have this be an option for you is a gift. Chase this if this is what will make you proud. It’s an honorable thing. It’s something you could be proud of. Granted—no mother "likes" their kiddo traipsing off into dangerous territory—but they wouldn’t be moms if they did, now would they?

I don’t know what’s available for you in terms of housing and benefits once you’re released. That would be a discussion to have with your attorney, with the chaplain, with folks from the county extension office and folks at the sheriff’s office. Ask for their help. I simply don’t know those options and others would have the expertise to know that information.

I do know that I won’t stop hoping for you to find things in your life that YOU will be proud of. And I won’t quit believing in your greatness."

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I think I'm done crying--- for the moment.