Sleeping with Bread

I've taken a shower (which is good--cuz I smelled like the fire I sat in front of for hours) and I'm contemplating curling up in bed with a good book.

I've got a nightly inventory to do, which isn't abnormal for me. It's a part of what I 'do' today. It took a whole lot of practice to get me to put into writing the answers to:
"Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?"
Let alone look at: "Do we owe an apology?"
ON top of: "Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?"
In addition to: "We were kind and loving towards all?"
Along with: "What could we have done better?"
Not to mention: "Were we busy thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could pack into the stream of life?"
And then there's that added bit: "But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others."
And the last piece which is 'required': "After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and ask what corrective measures should be taken."

That's the 'bread' I take with me, every night.
That's the peace at the end of the day, that 'thing' I hold on to which gives me consolation when I close my eyes and end the waking hours.

Now, I'd be the first to confess that these questions haven't always brought me that sense of peace. Truth is--looking at MEMEME wasn't something that filled me with peace. I'da preferred to look at the world around me that was picking on me, setting me up and mistreating me every step of the way. (g'head and imagine the whine--it was loud and long!) I darn sure wasn't responsible for the life I was getting to wade through. Therein lay my biggest desolation. I'm not so sure that wasn't something that didn't NEED to be desolating.
I had to go through the ego desolation to get here, much as I woulda liked to have skipped that part.... And the truth is--the biggest desolation to my ego--was created by me.
Go figure.

Discovering my part in the whole mess wasn't exactly 'fun'.
Small wonder I had loads of difficulty looking at myself, from the neck up, in the mirror.

Wonders of wonders--that very same thing I cursed and bucked forEVER is one of the biggest consolations I have, today.

I'll go to bed feeling square with the world around me.
I'll know what I did well at..I'll know what 'business' I'll need to be taking care of in the morning so it's not sneaking into another day. I'll know what's getting in my way and I can choose to take care of that--or ignore it and have it show up tomorrow evening when I take stock of tomorrow's day. (cuz 'stuff' doesn't just magically 'disappear' in my life......maybe it does in everyone elses......but alas......no such 'luck' here! LOL)

So......shower's done.
And I have that book I'll be reading in the comfort of my bed.
And I have that 'inventory' I'll be putting in writing.
My biggest quandry over doing that inventory today?
Before I read my good novel.......or after. ;-)