The ending dance with 'Denial'......

One of the things that happen when you get really sick--is your relationships with people.....change.

Oh, I know they change with 'life', period.

But get a terminal illness and you'll discover that your interaction with the whole world becomes 'different'.

Right, wrong or indifferent....It just does.

You're not sure what you're doing or how you're gonna be dealing with all the 'stuff'.... they don't know what they're doing or how they're going to be dealing with all the 'stuff'....

Things get scary--for everyone.

They become really scary, really fast.

And even with the best of intentions, decisions get made and relationships get changed.....

......sometimes forever.

I got sick.
And then I got sicker.

And then I got really sick.
For a whole lot of years I did the dance of sick, better, sick, better, sick, really sick, sorta better....on and on ....and on......

It wasn't a fun time for anyone.

I really and truly don't fault anyone their decision.
I believe folks were doing the best that they could--dancing as fast as they possibly could with all the stuff that was going on in their lives and in mine.

And in all that 'dancing'-- I decided that a good friend and I needed to be separated in our journeys.
'Denial' needed to go down his path and I needed to go mine.
It was really difficult for 'Denial' to watch me do this dance with sickness over and over and over again.....it was really difficult for 'Denial' to abide by my wishes and let me make the best choice for me--even if the choice wasn't a comfortable choice for him, or for me.

So I 'x-ed' him out of my world.

Not in an angry,vindictive, hurtful way.
But I 'x-ed' 'Denial' out just the same.

I let 'Denial' go, in love, with love and out of love.

And I began my years worth of silent treatment with 'Denial'.

I got better and didn't tell 'Denial'.
I got into a relationship with a short little fella from England and didn't tell 'Denial'.
Kiddos acted out, kiddos ran away, kiddos moved out and on with their lives and I didn't tell 'Denial'.

I got married and didn't tell 'Denial'.

Whole lives changed and 'Denial' wasn't privy to the infomation.

Circumstances changed in my life over and over again--and 'Denial' was left in the dark.......wondering, worrying, hoping....praying......talking with the angel that I never became....

'Denial' entered back into my life without my knowing.

But there he was in all his glory--befuddled at my existence, overcome with joy for his discovery.

Not a whole lot has changed even though everything's changed.

And years of silence has only given way to the anger of being ripped off from the privilege of walking through the storms with a person you desperately wanted to do the journey with.......