So, I talked with #1 wisepersoninmylife and let him know I'd put something into black and white that left me looking and feeling stupid.He was all sorts of sympathetic, lemme tell ya..
I assured him, REALLY....it looked stupid and I told him I was thinking I oughta go back and delete the darn thing---yaknow, 'destroy all evidence.
He asked me if it was honest.
Now how do you answer that one?
You can be honest about your 'feelings' but mine are oft times not even based on facts/truths. So what I put out there might be true cuz that's what I'm well and truly feeling/thinking--but gosh golly....I'm well and truly SCARED when I'm convinced someone's in a ditch--dead....cuz they're an hour late and haven't rung home!
I told him I'd call it "gross and icky--and....gross and icky. Yaknow...gross. Icky...".
This is when he asked for a copy.
Oy. FINE.
Lemme copy and paste that one into an email for ya.....
Lemme copy and paste that one into an email for ya.....
He sounded appropriately grateful.
And THEN he reminded me that MOST people fear lightening bolts and the wrath of G-d---not the LOVE of G-d.
Oh YEAH....that's ME. Yaknow, the bassackwards one.
Smite me all you like, but LOVE me--uh uh.
I secretly really wanted to be loved by the Big Guy--but to lay myself open to LET Him love me and let people KNOW......
*gak*
*gak*
Yeah, well, #1 wisepersoninmylife thinks it's all good, this 'letting it look how it is' stuff.
I--on the other hand--have been giving it a go for a good amount of time and it's still turns my guts to LET it just be where it is. k....MAYBE I haven't given it my best shot.
k.....I've barely been willing to give it a go ON RARE OCCASION.
It's that gakky stuff that gets me. It's almost like I haffta discount it when it comes my way.
k......there's no 'almost' to that.
Himself hugged me the other day....in front of a gal I work with....
"I pay him good money to do that, yaknow......cash up front!"
*sigh*
I love himself like no-other.
I love himself like no-other.
WHY I don't just let it look like that outside of this house--why I refuse to let it look like that.....Oy oy oy.....
And LOOK willing?
ME?
ME?
How stupid looking is THAT?
(I'm really, really anti-looking stupid, huh?)
Himself, following the 'betcha can't' with the cuss words, wanted to do another 'betcha can't' with me.
"24 hours without saying 'NO!'...what about it?"
"NO!"
'Course....I say 'NO!' to nearly everything, even when I mean 'yes'.
"Would you like me to put those eyedrops in?"
"NO!"
(And then I run like heck and lock myself in the bathroom.)
"Could you bring in the bag from the car?"
"NO!"
(hands on hips, smirking and inviting a fight--I put the bag BACK into the car and smugly shut the door) (can I have points for it looking playful at least?)
I will NOT let myself look AS willing as I really am.
k......maybe I'm not willing about those stupid eyedrops, but youknowwhatImean....
*sigh*
I told #1 wisepersoninmylife about that one, he LIKED the idea.....and thought I oughta go for it.
(yeah, you guessed it.....)
"NO!"
*sigh*
It all goes back to that 'lookin' stupid' deal I have going on.
I gotta get past that.
I gotta trust that the people around me will actually TELL me when I'm lookin' gakky and stupid and......icky and gross.
Righhhhhhttttttt.
No freakin' way........LOL
6 comments:
I wrote this somewhere out in cyberspace a year or so ago.
There are moments when I'm completely ridiculous. It's taken me a while to figure out that it's ok to look stupid sometimes. Most people are too worried about looking stupid themselves to notice.
I'm just sayin'... ;-)
Hhhmmm, maybe I should do that myself today. Do the housework...NO! Put the boys stuff together...NO! Do your paperwork...NO!
Thing is I'm just saying no to myself.
*grumbles and gets off comp to do these things*
gotta tell you, you letting things look as they are (even if it WAS a struggle) actually kicked me in the butt enough to finish writing the blog post I have had sitting around for over a week.
I'm the same way about worries, ditches, and not liking to look...human (while providing quite a bit of ridiculous fodder for the amusement of the family).
so join the club of feeling that you want the earth to swallow you up cause of some stupidity. But if we actually checked it out no-one yes NO-ONE else would feel it like we do. It's our fear we have to get a grip of here.
And for someone who offered me the same sage advice last week... The words 'Physician heal thyself' spring to mind here.
love and hugs
pxx
glad you still have #1WPIYL
very glad
:-)
even when you look stupid I think you are wonderful
{{{{mel}}}}
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