*sigh* I can't make it different......

Okay then.....

Well--when you have cancer you learn a few things about people.

And you get forgiving. Cuz.

You love 'em anyway and forgive them for not having it in them, or not believing they have it in themselves to 'deal', to remain in a relationship--several people simply could not bring themselves to remain in my life. It was too hard, too close....too much. I love them anyway--and I forgive them. I hold no resentment for where they're at and the choices they made.

Human beings are human beings.

They have their own personal limits.

I don't get to know those upfront. I guess it's something we get to discover as we hit these places in our lives. It's worked that way for me more than once.

G-d willing they'll never have to experience some things and they'll be 'okay' with their own level of awareness, their own methods of operating. It's never turned out to be 'enough' for me to remain there--but that's me......

I had a tough day.

Sucks to have no one to vent to.

Sucks to find myself unable to simply say what's in my head and heart and not have to defend or justify or explain away some things.

People just are where they are.

How it is that I can forgive is just my experience talking for me.

I get it.

I get how somethings are just bigger than the person......or at least they allow it to be.

Yaknow....I'm glad I'm at peace with Hitler going to G-d and being embraced as is.
G-d loves all His kiddos.

I'm charged with the same thing.
And being angry isn't productive for me today.

I had my time--I've moved past it and others haven't. I can't get them to another place any sooner than they're willing to get to another place. I've had time to put it in its place. It's mostly 'there'.......sometimes it eeks out...
But it's damn lonely 'here'.

And it's akin to discovering who's 'where' in the bigger scheme of things, who's got a different handle on what loving is about--and it's heart breaking to discover some of this...to find yourself alone in the process with no one to just put it on the table to without judgement, without anger.... It's just where they are. Today.
It might change.

It might not.

For today, it is what it is.

It's the awakening to a cancer you couldn't control, didn't ask for and were a victim to--and discovering the stark realization that the barrier you're hitting time and time again is something you didn't want or ask for to begin with.
But it's there. And it's real. And it's painful.

Here, hear.

It is what it is.

They just are where they are.

Ideally--selfishly, I'd want them to be in another place. But they are where they are. They matter to me nonetheless. And I still love 'em. Hugely.....

It's just really lonely here........and really painful.....

And yes, I know I'm not in this 'alone'.

It just FEELS alone.