I'm not angry.
I think I'm HORRIBLY sad, but I'm not certain...I'm kinda in that "void of feeling" spot. So maybe I'm angry and since nothing's on the feeling radar it's just one more feeling that'll rear its ugly head later? I don't know. Seems everyone around me is angry...'cept for he-who's-finally-breathing. He says he's relieved ... for a host of reasons, more will be revealed I'm sure.
But it's decided. I'll be working at the central office. I'll be working with data and standards and compliance and writing grants and contracts and fun stuff like that.
Bit 'geeky' of me to like that stuff...and I am anal about those things. I'm also good at data and standards and compliance and writing for contracts because of that 'anal-ness'.
It'll be an adventure. And I'm a 'deep end of the pool swimmer'. I'm going to like the learning curve.
I was pulled off the jobsite for 3 months to help write for a contract before.
That was temporary.
This isn't.
I guess I do think 'like an administrator'. At the back end of this, I can agree and understand the decision. You can't be a consistent leader when you've been limited (in one way or another) in your attendance/participation in the past year and a half. 15 straight months I've not been 'fully present' as a leader....and 8 out of those 15 months I wasn't even physically present....at all. I still haven't returned to full duties. And now there's the question of how this continued pain will interfere.
Frankly, the staff and the students need (and deserve) for that to be different.
I can't give them different, much as I would love to.
Is it 'fair' this was the decision....I mean, I didn't ask for the fine mess the past 15 months turned in to.
Is it 'fair' to keep giving limited leadership just cuz everyone knows me and cares about me?
No. Neither is 'fair'.
I'm not angry. I'm pretty much void of feeling.
But I AM grateful.
I get to remain in the agency, and I get to be of service in a weird sorta way...a new adventure isn't a bad thing.
At some point that void of feeling bit will change. I'll hope it comes in bits and pieces and not in a deluge.....
7 comments:
Sending warm hugs your way.
They're big and bold, so you can easily catch them.♥
Life offers raw deals sometimes but I feel you will win through the changes. Your pride and personality are strong in all areas.
When life starts throwing changes at me, I put that old Charlie Rich song, "Rolling with the flow," on the stereo. It helps me. I hope it helps you.
"But I AM grateful."
(((((((((( You )))))))))))
You GO, Mel!!!!
You're in good hands, dear lady.
X
You know....really....I think you are living under the umbrella of grace at that job. This may or may not be the perfect situation...but the new position utilizes your gifts and graces. That is amazing. I know you'll miss the people. But...I hope they'll let you stay connected in some way.
And feelings...um....they can't always be trusted. Just sayin'. Not like I would know this. ;)
One of the most beautiful things about you mel is your grace. Your willingness to go that extra a mile. To grumble about it, and acquiesce to the best place for you to be. I am often amazed at you, and always so grateful for the example you set.
xXx
Ah, Mel, I wondered when I'd find something like this in your posts. It's like you say, none of it's fair... and unfortunately some of us are mature enough (mentally and spiritually) to face both sides of the issue.
But you and I both know that coming to acceptance and making lemonade is the gift we give ourselves.
Many blessings to your new role. Since folks like us need that "people outlet" where we express ourselves through giving and serving, it won't take you long to find the other avenues for that expression.
You know who you are and that you are loved. You're miles ahead of the game, precious human.
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