The Long Road

I'd like to think we all have chunks of our life that don't get much air time.
I have chunks.
There's that time between getting sober and losing my mind that doesn't get a whole lot of airtime. There's that chunk of insanity when I DID lose my mind that doesn't get talked about. I don't believe it's embarassment/shame over the places that I've been. It's just 'then' and this is 'now'.
Other 'thens' get talked about.
I'm not sure how come that 'then' isn't given think or 'talk' time.

Was a time that I was 'nutz'. And I mean lockable nutz. A time when turning the key was the option because I was a danger to myself. I'd lived a life of being a danger to others--I got to a point where, in dealing in life and realities of the circumstances I'D placed myself in, I just didn't wanna deal.
Wisepersoninmylife--the FOUNDING wisepersoninmylife--assured me that where I WAS was a direct result of not bothering to do 'the deal'......that I either got up and started doing what was suggested or I WAS going to die. Lemme alter that to what he actually said to me in that locked place. "You'll either 'get it', or you'll fuckin' die...."

I didn't FEEL like doing it. But AGAIN, in the words of wisepersoninmylife "It's not required that you FEEL like doing something to actually DO IT."

I had a falling apart marriage, children that I couldn't for the life of me be present FOR...and I'd whittled myself away to a whopping 82 pounds. At 5'8" I had to feel in control of SOMETHING--guess which 'something' I picked.
I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Literally.
I'd managed to legally dope myself up and psyche myself up to the point that I could 'justify' putting the gun to my head.
That'll get you locked up.
That'll get you locked up IF you survive the experience.

G-d had other plans--I survived the experience.
I began a strange and wonderful, fearfilled journey--and I ended up here.
And 'here' is an awesome place to be.

I thought I 'got it' when I came through the other side of that lockable decision.
I knew I 'got it' when a 'replacement' wisepersoninmylife looked at me after my G-donlyknowswhich go'round with chemotherapy and whichtime they told me to 'get my affairs in order' that he said "You've got a loving G-d who has a plan for your life.......trust THAT."

I didn't flip him off....LOL...so I MUST have gotten 'IT' SOMEwhat!

I've been places.
It's been a long road--and the chunks of time aren't holding a whole lot of power in my life, except that they brought me here.
And really......here IS an awesome place to get to be.
Some people 'get it' without a gun to their head.
I guess I'm not one of 'em......