Sleeping with Bread

The examen in five easy steps:

1. Recall that you are in the presence of God.


2. Spend a moment looking over your day with gratitude for this day's gifts.


3. Ask God to send you His Holy Spirit to help you look at your actions and attitudes and motives with honesty and patience.


4. Now review your day.


5. The final step is your heart-to-heart talk with God.

It's not the gratitude that trips me up.
I have a ton of things, daily, to be grateful for. It seems to me I'm forever passing on my thanks to the Big Guy. In all honesty, even though I might not LIKE all His decisions (yes, He's well informed on "Mel's opinion") I do land on the grateful side of the coin much of the time. I don't have to 'get it'. I'd be pretty ballsy to claim that I DID get it 100% of the time. The objective for me isn't 'getting it'. It's to remain open and grateful to whatever gets plonked down in front of me--it's purposeful, even if I don't 'see' it's purpose.

I can ask the Big Guy for help with that honesty and patience jazz when it comes to looking at my own motives and actions.
I can even review my day.........and I do daily. That's what those fancy leather journaly things are for. I'm disciplined in reviewing my day--nightly before I retire, daily as it's unfolding in front of me....
That heart to heart talk with Him........ongoing and sometimes rather passionate. I get that way about 'things'.

Where's the problem?

Got a mirror? ;-)
Of course the problem lies in me.

It's that willingness TO be honest and patient about my motives.
See, I can disguise them quite well.
I'm shifty like that.

I'm manipulative and I know it.
It's been used for the good over and over again.
It's also been used for the not so good--and, if I so choose to be honest, sometimes purely for the joy of my own widdle ego (oh, g'head and raise eyebrows and look shocked! LOL).

I like to 'win'.
I also like to 'fight'.
I like to 'get ahead'......why bother with 'get even' if one can 'get ahead'!
(see how my brain takes things and swirls them around.....watch closely folks!! LOL)
Sometimes I start a fight where there is none JUST to watch himself sit and spin a bit--cuz he's just too fun to mess with........and I razz him with a straight face until I lose it and that smirk shows up. The poor things puts his hands on his hips and calls me something culturally offensive in his world. (which means little if anything to ME cuz I don't actually know how offensive it is--it's just........funny!)
I call it 'play'.
And he's just too fun to 'play' with!

Are there any underlying motives?

*thinking*

Nope. LOL

Is that honest?
I want it to be.
Do I want to look harder?
Nope.
I have a whole lot of fun operating that way.
Seemingly, no one gets hurt.

See--it's that willingness to be honest with myself after I implore the Big Guy to help me BE honest with myself.
I can ask all I want. But willingness is required.
Checking my own motives requires that willingness to remain open around my own motives.

And if I'm honest--then I'm required to do something with it.

There's one tiny bit of me getting in the way of me.
One weak example.

I don't EVEN wanna talk about that 'letting things LOOK the way they really ARE' deal that I continue to work on........

Gee.
Betcha there's a reason that 'personal inventory stuff' keeps tossing itself in my path!
Right.
Off to have that heart to heart with the Big Guy.
I know it'll end with "Take your time, Mel.....I got all the time in the world while you cheat you and the world around you......."
*rolling eyes*