Sunday tidbits..

Sundays are pretty structured out for me. Well, at least parts of them are. I'll be leaving the house here soon, taking an hour to drive to meet with a pigeon for two hours, and then heading to a meeting where I'll be with ANOTHER pigeon that I'll meet with after the meeting....and THEN zipping to Starbucks to have coffee and play catch-up with the girl (overload on coffee by then, btw....LOL) and THEN--run a few errands and get my rear home. It's a start for the day--

The inbetween 'lull' is dinner with the Brit and a bit of 'us' time--before I go to another meeting....LOL...where I get a dose of 'wiseperson in my life' if I've not gotten a 'dose' of that during the week! Okay, so sometimes I skip the Sunday night meeting if that 'business' I've needed to attend to has been attended to. I have 'permission'....LOL....it's 'allowed'.

Sunday's are busier than all get out.
They're also awesome days. I get to have affirmed for me over and over again what works and what's true. It comes JUST in time before I start my even busier work week. I wouldn't get done what needed done if I weren't centered. That's been proven, historically, over and over and over again.
I need my Sunday tidbits.
Darn good thing I like my busy life, eh? LOL

NEXT week the Brit's gonna join the pigeon and I for breakfast! That'll be 'fun'. LOL His ol' comfy self can find a bit of 'disturbing' just sitting with us and listening to the 'work' getting done. He's a pretty good one for introspect and taking his own inventory. G-d helped him to be neurotic for a reason! LOLOL Makes MY life easier. And I'm surrrrrre it's all about little ol' MEMEME! ROFL

95 days and counting!

So last night the Brit announces he's headed to bed and I wasn't quite there......
That happens a whole LOT. I don't LIKE nite-nite time.

Mini terrorist that I am, I tossed myself on the bed, fully clothed mind you, and whined how I wasn't READY to go nite-nite! (feeling sorry for the Brit yet? LOL)
Did ya know if you toss your legs over the body next to ya and bury your face in their back and whine real good they don't go to sleep? I'm storing that information for future reference.
If it works ONCE......*evil laugh*

So, anyway.....I'm terrorizing the Brit, talking nonsensicle things, when he suggests I count SOMETHING......quietly...... Yeah, yeah, I know it was his feeble attempt to dissuade me from my nightly fix of 'all attention goes to MEMEME, NOWNOWNOW!!!'. But he opened Pandora's Box...LOL

What to count, what to count!?
Sheep.....nahhhhh
Patches on the quilt--nope, done that and I know how many...LOL

Days til Halloween!
OMG! There's only 95 days til Halloween, honey!

You'da thought he would have celebrated that and joined in on planning what the decorations were going to be! But nooooooooooooooooooo.....
He pulled the covers over his head and groaned.
Or was that practice moaning in anticipation OF Halloween.

I'm SURE it was the latter--

OoooooooOOOOOooooooooo......

95 DAYS til Halloween......
And I have a GREAT idea (or two or three)for the side of the garage that we've failed to cover in decorations to date! I tried to share them last evening--but he was under the covers and I don't think he was even TRYING to pay attention.
Maybe cuz it was after one in the morning?
Silly man--doesn't he know that's the BEST time TO plan?!

*note to self--shorten the covers on the bed to decrease availability of headcovering material*

Deus aderit

I like Carl Jung. I like what he so boldly placed on the outside of his homes' entryway for the world to see. "Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit." We have that plaque over our doorway. NOT that I think I'm 'up there' with Carl Jung......LOL It's just a very good reminder for me in all my going outs and coming ins. I need that reminder. I can get all absorbed in me, my feelings and MY life.

MY life.......like this life is something I ever get to truly own......

And if I don't get to own this life and I KNOW this, then what in the world gives me that moment of illusion that I have 'rights' in the lives of others.
I have a responsibility to bring TO others lives.
I don't have 'rights'.
*sigh*

Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit.
I'm sometimes very glad for that, very grateful and very willing to live in knowing that.
Other moments--I just wanna rip the sign down and have a tantrum and demand an RSVP!
LOL

Wanna put bets on what kinda moment I'm having today? LOL

Letter to the boy

"S.~~

I’ve managed to re-read the second letter and poem sent on to me. It made my heart hurt the first time I read it—and it hurt no less the second. I don’t know that I can say that I ‘understand’ your feelings—I doubt that you’d agree that I could even comprehend what it is that you’re feeling. You could be very right about that. I do know that the letter and poem saddened me all over again.

You wrote about wanting to please me and make me proud. And you wrote about feeling like you fell short of that every time you tried. You labeled yourself a ‘failure’ and the ‘odd duck out’.

Please know those are your labels—not mine. I’ve not thought of you as those things—you’re G-d’s kiddo and you have lessons--life lessons to learn. I’m clear I don’t get to teach anymore. I proved ineffective in that some time ago.

You’re one of the two kiddos I got graced to have in my life. I don't see you as you think I see you. You’re out learning lessons in life. I do wish they were less painful lessons for you and for everyone involved….I also know I don’t get to be in charge of that.

I can’t change your feelings of being a failure. Those are your feelings. But I do need you to know that I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think the same way. I don’t view you in terms of that label you placed on yourself. I just don’t.

I’m proud of who the boy innately IS. I know you’re a man today, but that boy lives inside of you. He goes with you wherever you go. He carries that sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s true. What you do today won’t change that I’m proud of the boy inside—it hasn’t yet. I know you know what’s innately good and true and right.

I wish I could change your feelings and your perception of you. I don’t get to. That’s not my job today. Once upon a time my job was to teach the "right, wrong, good and true". Deciding to act differently doesn’t mean you don’t know those things. I know you know. I didn’t teach perfectly. I do wish I could have been more effective in helping you see what was good and true about you. Perhaps that feeling of failure you feel today wouldn’t be so prominent and you’d believe in your own greatness as much as I believe in it.

Can I suggest that you stop trying to come up with ideas that you believe will ‘please me’ and begin trying to please you in a way that you can be proud of? Because the only one labeling you as a ‘failure’ and the ‘one no one is proud of’ today is you. I don’t think that where the actions have taken you to date have been ‘pleasing’ to either of us. You don’t like where they’ve taken you—neither do I. If you want different, you’ll have to do different. I’ve never given up the hope for you to discover the great kiddo that I know you to be. I have people surrounding me who remind me of this. And you’ll always BE that kiddo in my eyes. I don’t have to like what you do to love you.

If chasing the military pleases YOU, if you believe this to be a chance to help YOU be proud of YOU—DO that. It can give you opportunities. It can take your life in a different direction if you let it. But do this to make YOU proud of you. To have your record expunged of the felonies and to even have this be an option for you is a gift. Chase this if this is what will make you proud. It’s an honorable thing. It’s something you could be proud of. Granted—no mother "likes" their kiddo traipsing off into dangerous territory—but they wouldn’t be moms if they did, now would they?

I don’t know what’s available for you in terms of housing and benefits once you’re released. That would be a discussion to have with your attorney, with the chaplain, with folks from the county extension office and folks at the sheriff’s office. Ask for their help. I simply don’t know those options and others would have the expertise to know that information.

I do know that I won’t stop hoping for you to find things in your life that YOU will be proud of. And I won’t quit believing in your greatness."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I think I'm done crying--- for the moment.

Letter from the boy

"Mom~

Two and a half years later & I'm yet to say everything I've ever wanted to. I honestly don't know if I can ever bring myself to it, but I suppose only time will tell. Seemingly everything postive I do, I do it for you. I feel as if I'm living my life just reaching and trying to make you proud of me. However, every time I start to do good something comes along and puts me back at square one once again. I'm a failure & nothing but the odd duck out. I don't blame you for casting me out of your life. I truely do not deserve a person like you in my life. I'm not sure what else to say. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your choices & whatelsenot. Enclosed is a poem I wrote about, well, I'm sure you'll understand it. Take care of yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Untitled by S.H.

I should've known
That it would end like this
A horror story
Only halfway written
So I left
And gave you the finger
Who's to blame?
You forced this on me
And on yourself
I was suffocated
I'm not your puppet
And I'm not her
Arrogance but a
Two way mirror
Fed up with all the lies
Nothing says hello
Like garagedoor goodbyes
Stopping all the cries
Nothing says surprise
Like garagedoor goodbyes

You should've listened
When I said I didn't care
I was young
A moron in the making
Take your stand
You shouldn't live like that
Who's to blame?
You changed me
But not for the good
Years it's taken
To mend the scars
And undo the madness
I love you?
I hate you?
Fed up with all the lies
Nothing says hello
Like garagedoors goodbyes
Stopping all the cires
Nothing says surprise
Like garagedoor goodbyes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I guess I have an answer to where he's truly at.
I just don't like it much.

I'm guessing that liking it isn't required..................

I like Mondays....mostly....

Most folks find me a bit irritating on Monday mornings. LOL That's okay--I thoroughly enjoy Mondays. Two days off--that's just the right amount of time for me to get bored just doing a whole lotta physical stuff. Monday means I go back to do the people stuff....and by Friday, I'm done with people and I'm ready for the physical doings. Seems like just the right balance to me! But it's taken me a whole lotta 24 hours to capitalize on the division of the work week and just come to find this spot that I'm comfy with.

NOT that I don't 'do' people on weekends. I do, to some degree. But it's somehow different--maybe it's because I can walk away from it, choose to what degree I'm a part of the solution and be 'done'. I don't get all those luxuries at the worksite. Either that, or I don't take those luxuries when I could. (there's food for thought!)

So, it's Monday. Two out of the five days I'll be off of the unit--there's an aspect of the position that I really haven't embraced to date. Gimme the kiddos and their parents any day---administrative mumbo jumbo isn't my deal. Let someone else deal in the licensing and grants and monies......*sigh* This isn't why I signed up for what I do!

Uh oh.....I think I've JUST messed with my own attitude about Monday! LOL
Choose your attitude, Mel.....and then create all kindsa havoc in that upcoming administrative meeting and watch a bunch of grownups scramble....LOL

I think I like Mondays again! LOLOLOL

Rick and Linda

Rick and Linda are exceptionally nice people. Not to mention, they're just plain fun. Ironically, they consider themselves a long distance relationship. LOL How DO we do that? They're an hour and a half apart. They're just too cute.

And it was a first for the Brit! Come to think of it, it was a first for me!! He had his first 'couple' over for dinner at the house. Up to this point, it's been the fellas coming over during the week while I'm off and running with some responsibility. I've decided he's a brave little trooper--cuz I'm a dweeb and I'm not the best socializer.

But we had a lovely time of it. They got lost and I got to talk Linda to the house by giving directions that 'only women understand' (Rick ate those words later, trust me.....LOL). I stood on the corner, waving my arms and coulda made $35 dollars as the stream of traffic slowed to ask about parking in our yard. (fair week, Rascal Flatts concert and a woman by a driveway flapping her arms will do that apparently!) But they did make it--and it was like old home week, they're such easy going folks and just plain nice.

Rick, whom I've met all of one time, came bearing a pie he'd made (that man can bake!) and presented me with a 'little something' he saw and snagged when he 'thought of me'. Now, let's remember we've met once, briefly. He does, however, get to hear a huge amount about me--apparently the Brit shares our story and tells on me on a regular basis. And Rick, being the lover of trains and the doer of kindly things--knew the Brit collected trains and I collected ONE train. The man found a place setting of NYCentral Systems 20th Century Limited china. That's no small gift--I've found bits and pieces here and there and thought the asking price was a bit spendy. A whole set?! Too kind... and flowers to boot?

They're now sold on having a train go the length of their basement wall! LOL Apparently this was in question and Rick didn't want to infringe on the entire room when Linda was to eventually share the space. She reminds me of me--insisting it would be fun and encouraging the project. She's a quilter, a sewer, a 'doer'--he's got a passion for trains. Sounds too familiar! And the Brit offered to help him get a start on the layout. Rick, who's an engineer by profession, gleefully accepted whilest the Brit made the trains go round and round.... It was just too fun.

And apparently we're to do it again. Only this time it'll be at Rick's home so it's not a four hour ordeal for Linda.
Oh my--we're becoming 'social'!! Ewwwwww.... LOL

Have cellphone, will travel.

As much as I don't like cell phones, I've conditioned myself to carry mine while I'm at work. The time I went out the door at work to retrieve a kiddo who didn't particularly want to be in treatment -- and found myself stuck in pursuit with no means to communicate where 'we' were was a good lesson. Especially given the kiddo had a knife in her hand and was walking into the downtown area. I'll never let myself be without a means to communicate to others--that could have been disastrous.

Sometimes customer service folks, workers or the boss will ring that number as I can be a difficult one to find. I didn't think much when it vibrated yesterday morning while I was working with the kiddos. But I'm certain I made a spectacle of myself.

It was the girl giving a quick ring to let me know there were bombs going off in London but that she was in Bath--heading for Wales in the morning. She didn't want me fretting. And she loves me very much.

I forgot I had an audience..LOL Your kiddo saying bombs are going off but she's okay isn't the type of call I anticipated when I answered the phone. And maybe it was all of 60 seconds. It took that long for me to connect dots to what she was saying, and by then we'd ended the call.

I swore and threw the cellphone......
And twenty five kiddos slunk just as far away from me as they could get.
LOL

Come to think of it, so did the grownups.

What were they thinking?

I didn't bother to open the envelope that had been placed in my box yesterday. Instead I brought it home and left it laying atop my work calendar.

I opened it this morning.
It was an article from the newspaper on the accident I stumbled upon that Monday afternoon.
One gal died enroute to the hospital. Another died hours later.

I didn't really want to know that.
The scenes in my memory were enough without that knowlege.

I suffer from selfish puke syndrome.....

And here I am -- one selfish puke.......... *sigh*

One child in jail--whose letter I haven't replied to. I oughta do that. I'm simply procrastinating cuz I know what I need to say and it just hurts my heart. No, he cannot come here to stay--it's not an option. As much as I love him--I won't live in that degree of fear again.

One child in England, celebrating the fifth place finish of that little boat she went 3770 miles across the Atlantic on..........she's made the decision to chase the opportunity offered to her and take her company up on the promotion and contract at one of their sites in England.

What's to think about? Another opportunity of a lifetime.
Housing and utilities paid for. A promotion and a U.S. salary. A year of sailing paid for at a prestigious yacht club.
She wasn't certain and was going to check out where her feet landed on this trip.
They've landed on the opportunity and it's truly one worth celebrating. I'm glad for her. I really and truly am.

But--

I'm just a selfish puke some moments.
I want to hold on to things that have great meaning to me.
I resist change and I know it.
I like what I have today, even if some of the circumstances make me incredibly sad.

I know it's fear and I really don't care at this moment.
Too soon, I'd suppose...........I need a bit of time to wrap my head around it all.

So I have one kiddo who's suggesting going into the military once he's done with his jailtime and his record is expunged-- at a not so opportune time politically. Same one that I won't allow into this house because there's messes to clean up and chances I'm not willing to take today. I love him to death and back and I just will not do it. I could--but I'm not willing to place myself into that myriad of insanities again. I'm just not willing......... I surrendered almost two years ago to the fact that this journey might mean his life. I put him in G-d's hands cuz I couldn't give what him what he needed.

It didn't stop me from being fearful--oh, how I wish it had. It's not all consuming, it's not controlling me--but it's ever present.

And now there's this other kiddo--happily starting her own adventures across the pond. Yep, you steal a Brit and the Brits steal one back.

I'm trying.... I'm REALLY trying to celebrate for her and not be a selfish puke about all this.

It's just fear.
MORE freaking fear.

Oh please, please............let me slap on that happy face and get around to meaning it REAL soon!
Elsewise, I'm gonna get all kindsa teary and weepy and that's so unfair, uncool and so unloving at this moment in time..............

It's Fair Week!!!

We're having fair week!
Probably more accurate is fair week is having US. LOL

Once a week, once a year, this little part of town goes absolutely nuts with people. We have a great fair--undoubtedly it's the entertainment that draws folks from several counties. It's busier than sin around this place right now. Does our hearts good to see folks at the house, feeling free to drop in and kibbitz all they want. It's just a nice time and it's gonna happen whether we want it to nor not! We're free parking and cold drinks and nibbling foods!! LOL

And himself is having a friend over. Mostly it's folks I've introduced into his life stopping at the house. This is a first--someone that's innately his friend first! Way cool. Only, he's so neurotic it's entertaining! LOL What to fix for dinner, what to serve it on, clean up the train-in-the-works mess....LOL He's so funny and fun to watch!

I again attempted to address the 'we could have alcohol in the house for occasions'. It was a rather brief chat...LOL It ended when I told him "REALLY....I can rethink 'the rule' and be 'okay' with it"....and he replied with "I'M not okay with it and I don't want alcohol in the house."

Hmmmm....to be continued.....cuz of course my brain is telling me this one IS all about MEMEME and he's got some 'splaining to do about the 'why' of that statement! I could just let it be--- Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh LOL

*sigh*
It's fair week and I miss the girl and the boy. It used to be a constant flow of kiddos to the house just cuz---and now we'll have growed kiddos stopping at the house who'll want the latest and greatest.........and I'm thinkin' those 'catch me up to speed' moments will make me a bit sad.

Yeah, yeah..I know, act as if and celebrate that they're getting to live life cuz it's not MY life---

It's fair week! It's fair week!
Oh BOY is it fair week! LOL

I'm doing laundry.

Yesterday, getting my standing hug upon his return, I got--

"Do you love me?"

Lotsa, whole bunches, more than yesteday!

"Well, I don't love me very much....."

And he proceeded to tell me that he'd passed an accident on the highway that had, obviously, ocurred a few moments earlier. He didn't stop. Ane he felt horrid even though there were a dozen or so people present and running to be of help. He did stop at the next house and asked the woman to ring for the ambulance/law enforcement.

And he asked what I would have done.
I wasn't there. I didn't see what he saw. I couldn't answer. I don't know that I wanted to answer.

He told me I would have stopped and he knew that.
I did tell him if he didn't like his solution this time, he didn't have to repeat it if (G-d forbid) there's a next time.

*sigh*

So, today I'm headed back from my meeting in CR, come 'round a curve where there's a particularly 'not good' intersection into a smalltown. ....and there's the car spun out in the middle of the lane, another in the ditch and four cars pulled/pulling over, with folks running to the scene.

And did I stop?
Yeah....I did. It's just who I inately AM.

I wasn't the first to arrive. Four or five other folks were attending to the people in two cars involved. I grabbed a couple blankets from the trunk of my car, found some gratitude that the 'help' already on the scene included a nurse and three of the folks present were certified in CPR and first aid(as am I). It didn't take us long to get organized-- I got asked to the crest of the highway and wave down the oncoming traffic. Blind part of the hill--good plan...especially when it's a 65 mph section of highway. I couldn't get out of there after the EMT's showed up. I was blocked in solid.

It's a bad, bad place to exit onto the highway--there's been too many accidents there already.

They life-flighted out at least one of the passengers.
It was messy.
I've been praying since I saw the cars where they weren't suppose to be.
I'm still praying.
And I'm home, instead of at work, laundering my clothes cuz I think I can salvage the slacks. And I wanted to stop shaking.

I called the Brit at work, left a message that I was fine--just in case he heard of the accident. I didn't get to talk with him.....I'm not even sure what I'm going to say cuz I know he'll feel worse about the day before.

I guess I needed to answer him with a resounding "I'd stop--I stop to make sure people have the help they need. Then I get out of their way."
Cuz I would--and will, every time.

He's gonna feel really crappy.
I guess that's 'okay'........

Umm....it's nice to know they're checking?

*shaking head*

I got a call from the London Embassy this morning. It was enough to make me stop and check my own perception. Who'd think they'd ring you days after the event and identify you as the passport emergency contact for someone, asking if you'd heard from them and know if they're safe. It was enough to not only make me pull the car over--I don't drive and talk on the cellphone--but after the call, where I noted that the girl was safe and in the States, I rang the girl! LOL How crazy is that?! I tell them she's in Iowa, safe and sound and THEN ring to make certain she is, even though I KNOW she is???!!!

Oy brother--it's nice to know that they're checking though!

Boy, SOMEone needs to do a sanity check! LOL

Wanna see The MOM spin?!?

Okay....so I took great glee in telling on the spinning Brit.

Oh, but what one MUST remember is---"What goes around, COMES around."

Soooooooo....... Himself was getting ready to exit for work this morning and asks what I think?

"Ummm....I think it's Wednesday, team day and I don't LIKE team days--they talk things to DEATH and back....Geeze, why can't they just DECIDE and DO it?!"

He wants to know what I think about the girl's golden opportunity to go to England for work for a year, have her housing taken care of, get a promotion, get paid an 'American's salary' and get in a years worth of sailing through a yacht club membership.

"Well, had I been given the information, perhaps I'd have thoughts on it...."

This is where he scrambles a bit--assures me the girl undoubtedly wanted to test out the theory on him first.

"No...this is where she picks a victim and sets them up to be the 'buffer'. Like she did when she decided THE best time to tell me about that tatoo of the butterfly on her back was when I was with a gal who had one on her ankle.....what was I gonna do, chew her out for desecrating her body in front of another body desecraterer?!"

Laughing probably wasn't the wisest choice at that point, but that's what he did....assuring me that 'desecraterer' wasn't a word.

"IS.....or at least oughta be! ..... FIRST she marks up her body, THEN she takes off on a boat and doesn't come back with a penguin...and NOW she's going off to England to have a good time, never to return! ........ You guys are STILL sore about losing the war, aren't you!"

Shaking his head as he pats me on the head wasn't any better of a strategy than laughing....

"WHAT?! Steal a Brit and the Brits steal one back?!?!"

I think his closing remark was "She'll be spoilt by my mum."

I know mine was "Bite me!"
I'm hoping he didn't hear that one.....

Wanna see a Brit spin?

Suggest that a 'rule' can be looked at and perhaps even CHANGED.

They develop a splitting headache that they can't explain.
They take great care to happily offer guests root beer or any other liquid refreshment without mention of what we DO NOT have.
They silently pick up beercans from the neighbor's 'night before' on the 'moring after' and discard them before you venture outside without a word of it to you.
And they manage to have a sleepless night or two.

*shaking head*
If HE can't get around to just saying his piece, I can certainly help him!

Oy....

I think I'll get it over with and just buy him a "Sit and Spin"! LOL

It's only taken two years---

-------but we have arrived!
It's gotta be a whole new kind of adventure, this 'life with Mel'.

We don't have alcohol in our home. Or rather, it was a rule which I'd chose to live by. For a whole buncha time, it was little ol' me and underage kiddos. Absolutely no reason to have alcohol in the house. I choose not to drink and having it around seemed redundant and plain stupid.

So today we had a conversation about the upcoming county fair and I invited himself to have people over to the house since it's a popular 'doings' around these parts.

Okay, so I'm typically 'anti-social' on my time off (well, what time I steal that's truly 'off'). I get my fill of 'people time' at work, and then there's more 'people time' working with others and yet MORE 'people time' when I trounce off to a meetings. "Time off" means I get to be AWAY from people!! Not only that, but I really do enjoy solitude and the company of two people--himself and ME.

He's understood this to mean that 'time off' equals no quests at the house. It's very rare that we actually go a day without someone dropping to the house for some reason or another. Truthfully, generally they're people I work with in one form or another.

Today, I simply asked if living in a dry household was a barrier for him inviting friends over.

The answer was an emphatic 'no'.
It then evolved to a 'not really'.
Then to a 'I'd suppose it does somewhat'.
THEN to 'yes......I'm not used to it, guests were always served some alcoholic beverage....that's just how we did it.'

So--yes, it gets in his way. LOL

I opened Pandora's box when I simply stated the 'rule' I'd lived by for years was really something that we could look at. I mean, c'mon--one bottle of wine for a few guests? It's there, it's gone, done deal! It's not like it has to sit around, available 24/7. Have company--buy a bottle of wine or a six pack of Guiness! If it's a problem, I'll certainly pipe up and let it be known. I never did drink that stuff--I meant business when I drank!!!! LOL

Ohhhhhhhhh............Yes indeed, we have arrived!

He's soooooooooo cute when he's scrambling.......LOL And nope, we're not done discussing this one--of this I have no doubt.
I'm thinking about two in the morning I'll get the nudge and he'll be wanting to revisit it......OR he'll be asking for wiseperson's phone number and giving him a ring to tell on me! LOL

She Was Watching

"I’ve realized that there’s always something new to learn about myself around every corner, and that you can learn a lot more about the world by listening and looking than you can by talking – everyone, no matter where they come from or what they've experienced, has things to teach you. I’ve learned a lot about what sorts of things motivate me as an individual and how to motivate myself. And I've leared how to watch to see what keeps others motivated. I’ve learned how to work as part of a team in all circumstances, no matter what time of day or night it is, or what kind of mood you’re in. I’ve realized just how motivational and inspiring challenging yourself can be. I now know, for certain, that there is no limit to what I can accomplish if I put my mind to it and go at it with everything that I have. Most importantly, I've learned something that my mother has modeled for me with her whole life--what it feels like to go to bed at the end of the day, knowing that you’ve absolutely, without a doubt, given your all."

Okay....what mom wouldn't get teary over that....
Sheeeeeshhhhh...
She was watching.......

And how was your day?

People don't get what I do. I don't know how it is that I should expect them to. I don't know a whole lotta people who'd sign up for this. Being kicked at, screamed at, punched at and spat at isn't something people probably oughta sign up for...LOL But where there's mission and purpose and a pure heart's desire--being labled a 'twised two balled bitch' while you're rolling on the floor with one pissed off kiddo doesn't even make the highlights of your day when you get the "and how was your day?". It just doesn't.

Instead, you talk about that Virginia--the one who hated you, the one literally disappeared the moment you entered the building, the one you purposed to 'find', the one who screamed and threw things at you when you pushed at the issues she refused to acknowledge, who cut at herself and smeared her blood on the walls to write words of hate for you-- the one who now counts the days until you return from vacation, the one who puts her head on your forearm and 'air hugs' you when you walk in the door, the one whose parents cried and embraced you because they'd lost all hope of ever having that child that was so loving and loved, back.

"Virginia gave me a pinwheel!"

"Oh, right--which is Virginia?"

"The really short, cute one."

"Very nice pinwheel. What a kind child."

It's a GREAT pinwheel!

There's something to be said....

..........about working with others.

Okay, so I have a pigeon/sponsee/whatever they prefer to be called today that I work with--yeah, yeah.............so there's six to be exact, plus two who pretty well have the deal down and don't require a whole lotta 'work'. So.........I'm working with one and, of course, we're hitting the first principle and it's all about HONESTY. I can hear myself sharing and challenging and saying what's true--if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Nothing changes until something changes--and absolutely zilch will change if you're lying to me or lying to you.

OH Lord did I hear myself........ I'm NOT being forthright about those fears and angers that need inventoried and worked through. *sigh*

Oh, I can be soooooooooooooo good at putting it out there for someone else. And it does work. I can't tell you how many times it's been my privilege to be around for someone's awakening to 'truth'. The problem with that is I tend to hear MYSELF, which, in all honesty probably isn't a problem but a G-dsend.

Do I have a problem with withholding the truth? I'd like NOT to, however, I know it's seriously wrong and uncool. Yep, I can have all the bestest reasons and rationalizations in the world..........However. It's still wrong and uncool to withhold the truth. I knew that when I did it--but it certainly didn't stop me from doing it. I didn't wanna be accountable to say what's really true for me today. And I NEED to be accountable, elsewise I schluff off and start lying to me and you and the world. BAD, BAD idea!

Oh, I know that for all practical purposes it can appear to the world around me that the work I do with others is all about selflessness and a sincere desire to be of service--but I know well how working with others is accountability for ME. I will not take credit for some thing that's not mine to take credit for. My selfless appearing actions aren't selfless. I work with people because I have a debt to repay and it keeps ME where I need to be.

*sigh*
I'm still pissed off and afraid. LOL But I know I'll be honest about it and I'll get to do what it takes to move from those things I'm angry and fearful about. I don't GET to stay stuck in the anger and fear-- cuz it's not where I'm effective OR at peace. And I want both--

LOL--cuz I'm greedy! I want it ALL!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL

Damn pigeons.....

PAGE 86

"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to othes. After making our review we ask G-d's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."

Okay, so the punctuation might not be correct--that's off the top of my head and there IS a reason that paragraph is memorized. Well, actually more than ONE reason--geeze, I inventory myself nightly, daily, off and on every day--day in day out! I OUGHTA know what's on that page!

Resentful, dishonest, selfish or afraid? Oh, I'd say there are a few that fit those categories. Obviously, I have business to take care of.
Keeping things to myself that oughta be shared---ummmm...YEP....I need to get past this 'gotta have it figured out and in it's place BEFORE I'm discussing it with other people--who CARES how it looks for crying out loud!
Kind and loving towards all...things I coulda done better. *sigh*
I'm not feeling compelled to go any further..LOL
OBVIOUSLY I have a whole LOT of business to be taking care of.

See, when you've married an AlaNon, they notice when you've not done a written inventory for a few and they cautiously bring that to your attention.

I think it was "do you need me to pick you up a new journal for your inventory while I'm over there today".......and they think they're SLICK!!!

I figured the right answer was "would you mind?" instead of "What in the hell FOR.....I'M NOT WRITING IT OUT CUZ I'M FREAKING PISSED AND AFRAID ABOUT A THING OR TWO!!"

Can I at LEAST have points for saying it nicely instead of taking the head off and spitting down the throat?