"Closed" and Waiting

Sometimes I'm a pretty closed person, still.
How's that for 'truth'?

People still don't have the 'big picture' of this life that's been on loan to me. I don't consider it 'MY life'. I'm real clear, given my experiences, that it's just on loan. I like remembering this. It keeps me more than grateful for what I get to have today.

March has passed and it's now in to April. I was overdue for bloodwork that I still get to participate in.
I'm down to six month checks! THIS is awesome and something to celebrate.
I've now managed years of remission from the leukemia and I've been graced to be breast cancer free for longer. *tossing confetti and releasing balloons!!*
I spent eight years doing the battle from breast cancer to leukemia to brain tumor.
I can't say it was the most 'fun' experience.
Most times I'm not real conscious of any cancer being a fact of my existence. I blame 'living in the moment' for that one. It took me a whole lot of lessons to get the importance of staying in the 'now'.

The Brit still lives with this huge knowledge of cancer still lurking. It's probably bigger for him simply because he's never had to actively live it. I was just ending up treatments and surgery for the brain tumor when he stumbled into my life. He prefers not to talk about it. I prefer not to talk TO him a whole lot about it--he tends to be MORE than a bit neurotic and can get..........well, 'worked up' might be a good way to say it. Heck, I can't get some plain ol' headache without the man starting to fret. Small wonder he has ulcers!

I did manage to show up for my bloodtests.
Okay, true to my nature I missed the first appointment to get the testing done and was late for the rescheduled appointment. And it went from a simple blooddraw to seeing the oncologist who STILL insists on watching me like a hawk and won't let some M.D. treat me, even for bronchitus forgoodnesssakes! He's a protective soul--I think he ought NEVER meet the Brit!

So I did the testing and now I wait.
I suck at waiting.
And while I have no 'reason' to fret about what the tests will say--the very act of getting to see the oncologist AND do the bloodwork was enough to send my brain into overdrive--when I allow myself time TO think.
"Closed me" hasn't mentioned it--cuz really, we don't tend to talk this stuff. It's either denial on his part or it's JUST too scary for him. I'm pretty convinced it's a high need to maintain order and 'control' on my part.
Maybe there's a part that remains frightening to me?

Huh.
Weird that it would FEEL like I have more to lose today.........
*sigh*

ANYtime now they can ring me and tell me 'all's clear!'.......
*sigh*