I suck.

I suck.

I kinda sorta KNEW I was sucking about a month ago.

Okay......there's no 'kinda sorta' to that. I KNEW I was sucking.

I KNEW I was off the path. I knew I was wandering away from 'my job' in all this with the Brit.

And I knew I was letting myself get sideblinded by work, by the demands and by the chaotic moments that seem to be happening over and over again.

The other day I walked out to go to work and failed to give himself any kind of 'see ya later' comment/hug/kiss..... Nada. That's what I said, that's what I gave him.

Now, I didn't recognize I'd done that.

I went through the day, warp speed with my hair on fire. (that's pretty much the norm as of late)

I got home, did some tasky kinda things and himself managed to tell me what I'd NOT done that morning.

Oh yeah.......you can bet I tripped all over myself apologizing and felt (a well deserved) crappy.

Silly me thought that was a done deal.

*whapping self*

What WAS I thinking?!

We revisited it today. Not cuz he's been on my case about it--he's not an 'on my case' sorta person.
Fact is, we don't squabble or have tiffs or get into all that 'stuff'.

This is the first time we've had to visit something of this nature.

I'm generally on top of 'doing my job' in the relationship.

But at this moment---I suck.

And the heck of it is, I KNEW I was sucking at loving how I wanted to love for more than a few days....or weeks.....

All this........'stuff' that was yanking me a million different directions got in the way cuz I let it.

And I KNEW I was letting it get in the way.

It was in my inventory at the end of the day.

I had all sortsa bells and whistles going off, telling me to pay attention.

*whapping self in the head*

Dumb, dumb, DUMB!!

I SUCK!

And now I've gotta wrap my head around doing some sort of 'corrective plan' so I can get my 'stuff' back in order. I'm NOT pleased that I've let some things go by the wayside between himself and I. I'm beyond 'upset' that I've let some things get bigger than they 'oughta' be.

HE'S fine cuz he knows it's not about him.

And truly, it's NOT about him one iota.

I'm NOT fine --because I know I SUCK.

Why would I wanna be 'fine' with SUCKING?

*mumbling*

I SUCK.