........while I put into black and white a jumbled up mess that's chasing itself in circles in my brain.
I know how this is going to sound outside of my head and it won't be warm and fuzzy.
Himself is important to me. I care about his life.
I can live without him.
He's not indispensible.
Neither am I.
He's not responsible for my happiness.
I'm not responsible for his.
At least I can tell myself this...... It's starting to 'feel' different.
Ah, but 'feelings aren't fact'......they're just feelings.
We share a home.
We share a whole bunch of good times.
I was fine without him.....and I'll be fine no matter what life tosses at me.
I have my head wrapped around being alone again, at some point.
I entered into this deal knowing that was the reality.
One of us will end up without the other.
I'm okay with this.
I'm not rushing it....LOL......but I am okay with it.
Heck, the reality is EACH of us could end up without the other.
I can't rule that out--even if I wanted to rule that out and take that fact from the equation, I don't get to......
I'm not dependent on him.
I don't even know that I rely on him...hmmmmmm.....
He, however, is dependent on me.
I don't know that I like that fact.
But there it is. There's the fact today.
There's a heightened sense of responsibility.
Some days--I don't wanna be responsibile.
And I think I'm working on a resentment that I get to be responsible, whether I like it or not, whether I wanna be or not.
I signed up for this deal. The whole ball of wax--I consciously knew what I potentially was signing up for.
I think the operative word there is 'potentially'.
*sigh*
Really, I have other things to spend my energy on--spending it on formulating a resentment is just a stupid idea.
But here I am.....I can feel it wriggling around inside of me......inviting a disaster.
Cuz when Mel gets resentful she doesn't get 'even'.......she gets 'ahead'.
Dunno that I've ever allowed another human being to BE responsible for me.
Blamed a lot and tried to shirk responsibility just--oh.... all the time for a very long time......but 'allowed' it since I found a different life......no......
He's not me.
But I'm me.
And some days it's all I can do to be responsible for me.....to me......
And now I hit 'publish post' and go back to pick apart every stupid thing I just put up here.
Cuz that's what I do.....put it in black and white, pick it apart, put it back together and watch myself some more.
12 comments:
Sometimes, sitting and thinking is good,
And sometimes sitting and thinking is bad.
Feelings are real, they are fact, and there is nothing we can do about that. Trying to rationalize ourselves around the fact of our feeling always leaves us looking stupid. Like convincing ourselves that the river isn't that deep and then getting swept away as we try to cross it.
If you respect himself, make the decisions that are right for you (including your feelings, not just the mathematics of life) and trust that he will do the same. The rest is all bubbles and sidewalk chalk. C:)
well...my dear Mel...when you hit publish button not only do you get to pick apart every not-so-stupid thing...you give US that opportunity as well. smile
it may at times seem hard to be responsible for someone else besides...(or Yikes...in addition) to yourself.
and it may be that you were fine before him...and would be fine without him. well done you.
on the flip side...which I know YOU know...it is probably his love for you which makes him dependent. And I would guess he knows you better than all of us how you are. I will admit to being just a little bit envious...smile.
I am glad that you have himself with you...even with the weight of responsibility.
course you'll be ok without him.... but do you want to be.
course you can cope on your own.... but do you always want to.
course you don't need to depend on him.... but do you sometimes let yourself.
relationships are complex, aren't they. two people trying to sort out a way forward together which allows them both to be who they are, without damaging the other in the process.
There' aren't any right answers or ways to be.
you just gotta take what's been offered if that's what you want, and give back what you can give back....
I think it's called LOVE!!!
hugs
x
oh, Mel, Mel, this is one fine post. It's as exhausting as playin' ping pong by yourself! We all do it. I just loved watching someone else's game.
I hope putting it in black and white has helped you to sort and sift through the facts and feelings.
You may be relied upon, leaned upon, depended upon.
But, dear Mel, don't forget....
You are loved.
*nodding*
You are right dear Mel...with love comes responsibility.
And risk.
Yes, you would be okay. But do you really wanna hafta just be okay?
Could it be it's too scary to imagine a life without himself and his trains and his funny way of talking, or being able to kiss his bald head...so you put up a wall to protect yourself from the potential hurt instead?
So take a deep breath, kick back, relax, and just see where love takes you. It would be missing out on one of lifes greatest blessings not to.
(Sending thoughts, prayers, and Cookie Monster hugs your way.)
I'm so glad you wrote all this down. Just a few posts back, didn't himself have the camera ready for you when you went for the drive at sunset? Tiny, I know, but it was enough for you to comment. I'll bet that's not the only thing either.
You know what led up to this, and what it's all about. You know you can make it all OK. Hot buttered popcorn when you're done, just let me know when.
You make me glad to be human. Thank you. {{{Mel}}}
Back to the days of yore and the National Securities Market Improvement Act of 1996!
Now just let me think this through.
You think that because he is dependent on you, you have a responsibility towards him?
And since you are not dependent on him, he doesn't have a responsibility towards you?
It seems to me that the way to get even is to accept a dependence on him and then he gets to have a responsibility towards you too.
But that's just my response to the black and white part of your post.
Everyone else has put the other part much better and I can only agree and think that love and trust are the things that I have read between the lines in your posts. So have faith that your love is well placed and have faith in himself.
(((((((Mel)))))))
What a wonderful post. Now, honey...
You are where you are.
Himself isn't perfect.
And you know it's okay for him not to be perfect...
So what's this special thing about him?
You wouldn't be trying to tell me that he's imperfect in a way you won't let him be imperfect, now would you?
Would you?
((((Mel))))
*sigh*
And I put it here .... walked away and tried to do nothing with it.
How's THAT for a bad plan?!
Rawrrrrrrr at me!
it's OK
it's OK
he's okay and you're okay
he is where he is
you are where you are
each of you is where you're meant to be, right?
he ended up with you, over there, in the yellow house - that's one heck of a deal methinks
how brave must he have been? must you have been? you two are awesome
I can't see how that's going to be rocksteady all the time. . .
but I know that you're both going somewhere together, whether you're walking at the same pace or on the same track; whether you can even see each other thru the trees that are the woods in your forest
maybe one of you (ran and then) stood for a while to catch your breath?
maybe one of you needs to stop (running) and take a breath?
but, feelings or no feelings, you each are where you are
because of who you are
and that is surely where you're supposed to be
because of who you are
and he is too
XXX
*nodding*
Pretty convinced I was the one runnin'....
<-- prone to running really fast and really hard....and then plopping in the middle of the path and whining cuz I'm tired and feeling lonely
DUH.
Then slow down and try walking WITH the other person?
What can I say--WPIML is absolutely THE most sarcastic, loving person I know. LOL
Well....next to me, that is....LOL
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