The long process to the small (HUGE) goal

For years..YEARS I've had an assignment from WPIML. Yes--I can be a 'slow learner'.   I've been known to balk on occasion.
The 'assignment' hasn't changed.
I have (though sometimes I struggle to admit that)--the assignment has not.

I hate math.  I've always told people that I do NOT do math.
I also have a multi million dollar budget that I'm responsible for.....and managed successfully.  So while I might go on and on about not doing math--I do math.

And I've 'done the math' on this one.

I do not like letting myself LOOK as loving, as willing, as compassionate, as tolerant, as patient, as kind, as forgiving, as open-minded, as caring, as gentle........as I AM.
So I took a list of 100 virtues and looked at exactly which ones I struggle with--and not in the sense of actually ACTING on those virtues, but in the sense of letting those virtues be seen by others.


Acceptance
Accountability
Appreciation
Assertiveness
Awe
Beauty
Caring
Certitude
Charity
Cheerfulness
Cleanliness
Commitment
Compassion
Confidence
Consideration
Contentment
Cooperation
Courage
Courtesy
Creativity
Decisiveness
Detachment
Determination
Devotion
Dignity
Diligence
Discernment
Empathy
Endurance
Enthusiasm
Excellence
Fairness
Faith
Faithfulness
Fidelity
Flexibility
Forbearance
Forgiveness
Fortitude
Friendliness
Generosity
Gentleness
Grace
Gratitude
Helpfulness
Honesty
Honor
Hope
Humanity
Humility
Idealism
Independence
Initiative
Integrity
Joyfulness
Justice
Kindness
Love
Loyalty
Mercy
Mindfulness
Moderation
Modesty
Nobility
Openness
Optimism
Orderliness
Patience
Peacefulness
Perceptiveness
Perseverance
Prayerfulness
Purity
Purposefulness
Reliability
Resilience
Respect
Responsibility
Reverence
Righteousness
Sacrifice
Self-discipline
Serenity
Service
Simplicity
Sincerity
Steadfastness
Strength
Tact
Thankfulness
Thoughtfulness
Tolerance
Trust
Trustworthiness
Truthfulness
Understanding
Unity
Wisdom
Wonder
Zeal

And because THAT was totally overwhelming (LOOK at all those!!), albeit revealing, I went back to narrow it down and I looked at the 12 principles:

Honesty
Hope
Faith 
Courage
Integrity
Willingness
Humility
Brotherly Love
Justice
Perseverance
Spirituality
Service

I WANT others to see me as honest, full of integrity, just, persevering and in service to others.

Loving, willing, humble, hopeful, courageous and spiritual?  Not so much--
AM I living in those principles?
Yes.  They live in my heart, they come out in actions on a daily basis.

But I don't want the world to view me as one of those sappy, weak, loving kinda people.  I actively un-do that perception every chance I get.
I shuddered to even put that in black and white.  It's not a secret--I've been very open about that barrier for a very long time.
I know the barrier lives in ME.
I know part of the barrier is ego.
I know part of the barrier is identity.
I know part of the barrier is my own preconceived notions about 'loving people' based on some faulty thinking and experience gathering to validate MY perception.  I love being RIGHT so much, that I'm willing to discard any experience gathering that might validate the opposite.
So in essence--I validate the lie I tell myself and create a reality based on wanting to be RIGHT.
I stay protected from G-d knows what....and off I go......RIGHT again!

It's tiring work to NOT be what you are, but I've turned it into a game of sorts.  People who know me well, know the game but still play along.
WPIML doesn't play.
It gets mightily uncomfortable when he just stares at me and waits.

Trust me when I say, I'm more okay with THAT uncomfortable-ness than I am with the uncomfortable-ness that comes with letting things LOOK how they really are for me.......with me.......IN me.

Pick one principle, WPIML says.
Pick ONE and let it be visible without engaging in the game playing 'un-doing'.

Small leap of faith to pick one, live it and NOT undo it.......and just let it LOOK as it IS.
But I have a desire to be more effective in service to G-d and others.  It's in my heart, it's what I've been gifted with.  It's who I AM and what my Creator celebrates in me.

Picked one.  Because I was asked to, because living that dream comes with a stretching and pulling and growing that's always, always been worth it.
Picked one because it's been the hardest for me to NOT undo.
Picked one because it's showed again and again and again in that nightly inventory......in the weekly Sleeping with Bread.
Picked one because I AM and I WILL,

Of course I picked Brotherly Love.
Of course that means I'll be trying desperately NOT to un-do loving.

The bite-size piece is to simply recognize the good in others without undoing, without disqualifying myself in the message, without joking, without all that game playing stuff that I'm inclined to do to preserve the perception I desperately try to shape......just let it BE after it's recognized.  Say it--keep moving.

Truly?
I'm sweating it already.
And that's not to discount/discredit who I AM.......or maybe it is.
When you engage in the game for a lifetime, it becomes difficult to determine.

Say it.  Keep moving.
SAY IT.  Keep moving.
I've no problem saying it.......it's the keep moving part that petrifies me cuz I know how that'll make me look.

*laughing*  LOVING!
Oh my gosh.......see!  Trying to undo it!
*sitting on hands*