Sleeping with Bread and Dreams...

What’s one fear you’ve faced when it comes to your God-sized dream?  
 And what’s the truth that’s bigger than that fear?

I'm good at sharing things that are 'past'--the stuff I've had to wade through as I've stumbled through.  What I'm not as good at sharing is the present day 'stuff' AS I'm wading through it.  I prefer to put things in black and white after the fact, taking a look at how I've kept myself aligned to the principles I attempt to fashion my life around.
Now, that all sounds technical and 'feeling-less'.  I'm not so keen on the 'feeling' end of the spectrum and make that openly known.  I don't trust those things--they're fickle and change as the wind blows...three quarters of the time they're based on faulty thinking.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Spiritual mushbuckets are people I adore being around.
They that reek genuine-ness and humility......they laugh at themselves, they have a peace that surrounds them almost visibly.  They love G-d, they love others and they REEK that.  I saddle myself up to them every chance I get.  There's something about them that makes you want to pull up a chair and just let that 'something' soak into you.  I can 'feel' it when I walk into the room.....and I purposefully make my way to the chair next to them.  I WANT that......whatever 'that' is.

I've said it to them:  You speak and exude the LOVE you are.
And they don't seem to struggle in doing that.  Do I view them as less than/more than?  No.  They have a quality about them that is something I want....need......have....

My fear is I won't/don't wear it as they do--and I'll 'appear' stupid.
Can I own that appearing stupid is one of my least favorite things?  I don't mind acting stupid, playing stupid--doing stupid things by my own choice.  I don't mind being laughed at, poked fun of, making people take a second glance.....fact is I play a LOT and when you play, you get to deal in all those things.  I don't mind people not knowing what to do with that.  I'm accustomed to being in the center of 'stuff'.  Apparently it's a 'curse/blessing'....I canNOT be 'unnoticed'.  I've tried and it just doesn't happen for me.
I'm noticed.  I'm........."one of those".

But I DETEST looking stupid/foolish/incapable/'vulnerable'.
And I detest the word 'vulnerable' because that doesn't quite encapsulate what I mean...
It's not the 'capable of being hurt/wounded' meaning. Gimme a break--I'm responsible for my 'itty bitty fragile feelings'....not anyone else.
It's not the 'open to attack' meaning--I'm all about the 'bring it on!'..it gives me a good battle.  And I battle well!  I adore the battle, frankly.

It's that I look.......weak/stupid.
No--THEY don't look weak. THEY look like some of THE most strong people on the planet. And I want what they have--truth be told, I HAVE what they have and I eek it out here and there...but  I simply don't put it out there as I could/NEED to.
Cuz I'm going to look.....stupid.
And what's the big deal about LOOKING stupid?  You look stupid.....oh, just ALL THE TIME!!

Dead air.....
You fill in the blanks, peel back the layers of the onion... I'm assure the WHY isn't important.
And I believe that.  It's all circular when I do the peeling.  More will be revealed, I'm sure.

The truth that's bigger than that fear is 'it just doesn't matter'.  What matters is the ability to openly LOVE others takes the message where it needs to be taken so I can be of maximum service to G-d and others.
When I ignore that truth...I cheat them, I cheat me.
And I cheat G-d.

So it's back to the very basics of the instructions.
Do it anyway.
Say it.......keep moving.

I've done surprisingly 'okay' with that.  I've been able to say things without undoing them TOO much.  LOL  Okay, more practice might be required there.

But I'm hugely grateful that things get kept so simple for me.  Obviously, I can rationalize out the most insane things.  I'm hugely grateful for the opportunities that I STILL get to be of service to G-d and others--cuz I'm very clear I could not be used in that fashion.  And I'm hugely grateful that I'm made perfectly, AS IS.  Doesn't mean I don't have some growing to do--doesn't mean I'm perfect in the execution--
Loved hugely just the same.

Oddly enough--that's a bit of the message I get to take to others......go figure.....

Dare to Have Joy:

*  snow, snow, glorious snow!  BIG.fat.flakes.
*  the pretty blank cards that were brought home for me
*  the violets I sent were so wonderfully received by the wounded heart