Okay, that's probably a bit melodramatic, huh? *chuckling* MORE than a bit!
The Brit and I spent five years doing a long distance relationship. We met online at a time when I was confined to the house because of my health. Stumbling into a wrong chatroom--I felt pretty sorry for him, bad typist that he was---errrrrrr.....is.
His three children remain in England today...along with his 80some year old mother. (She's amazing, she really is. She made the journey here two years ago--her first international flight ever.) The two children who, on occasion claim me as 'the mom' LOL, are moved from the home here--we love our little yellow house on the corner.
Awesome things happen here.
Three years ago we ended the distance by following the 'rules' and applying for a K-1 Visa. He came with no reservations.
I faultered in the relationship. Or perhaps I faultered in trusting what was 'suppose to be'. Believing the move for him to be a 'rip off' because I couldn't guarantee him any tomorrows, I convinced me that the most loving thing TO do was to cut bait and run, that he must be insane to trade his lifetime of EVERYthing for the uncertainty of maybe having a day with Mel with no guarantees.... I let the fear do strange things to me. I forgot he was a 'capable', that he really could make his own decisions....I reacted in the fear and started to try to 'save' him from me. He wouldn't be 'moved', he knew he was 'suppose to' be here, doing this, loving as he'd always wanted TO love. He walked through that alone, frightened to share where the struggle was because doing that would make it some real possibility that I would get in the way of what he KNEW he was 'suppose to be doing'. Still, today, he tells me THIS is THE one thing in his life he's ever been certain of.....and he marvels at how he could have known and how we ever got here.
We'd gone through a painstaking process to bring ourselves to this point. We worked hard at doing 'right things' for the people involved in our lives. We waded through career changes for him, my oppositional nature, career changes for me, his children leaving for university, the children here experiencing their own growing pains and finding their own lives, my oppositional nature, his daughters acting out with her mother, his move from his home to a flat, my oppositional nature, the boy's drug additcion and the chaos attached to that mess that tried to become my life, my move and purchase of this home--a whole host of life events......
One decision after another, one barrier after another, we purposed to do right things by the people being affected by the relationship, alwaysALWAY being mindful of what pursuing that relationship would mean in their lives. We delayed visits, delayed taking action, dealt with more of my oppositional nature, delayed making decisions around the inevitable move from one's homeland--in order to do right by the people we care so deeply for.
We ended up here...with children and a mum there....with a dad who's not there to put storm windows on his aging mother's home, who's not present for bad hairdays and broken hearts, who's some 4321 miles from being able to 'be' that dad, who's some 4321 miles from being that son that he'd always shown up to be.
We waded through the muck and the mire of fears not our own, of silent resentment and angers bourne from the decision. We've worked hard to remain inclusive, to be as active as one can be from 4321 miles...as consistent, as persevering, as loving, as open and willing--
No, we've not done it perfectly.
But we've done it.
No doubt, as layers of the hurt and fear and resentment become peeled back, we'll keep doing it.
It matters to us how people are affected by our choices.
Some people might say 'too much so, Mel'.
They could be right.
I just don't think they are. LOL
He won't return to England permanently. I'll hope that time works its magic and the sting he feels today becomes a small, manageable 'ouchie' that an emotional bandaid will cover sufficiently.
His feeling compelled to defend the country he resides in today--I can't fix for him...nor do I know that I want to.
His feelings being hurt by mean things said to him by strangers--I didn't see coming, nor did I believe it would, simply based on my own experiences. I was warmly received, even embraced by the English. Never once was an unkind remark made to me or towards the country I hail from. I was warned the sentiments existed. I never experienced them. I don't like that they exist, I have a better understanding of WHY they exist--but I don't get to change that, today.
It was the circumstances at the worksite that drove my decision to remain for this journey, coupled with my desire to make the journey (the first he'd made back since the marriage) 'easier' for the kiddos and the mom he'd left behind. I'd spoken with my employer who assured me there no 'good' time to take a two week vacation. That's simply true for the environment that I work in. There's always a crisis somewhere--half the time we create them..LOL I didn't place my employer in a position of saying 'no' to me because I checked out my perception which told me 'Mel....there's bad times and there's WORSER times to not be present!'. I'm 'in charge' of the whole works where I'm employed--it's not simply about MEMEME, what Mel wants, what Mel thinks she oughta be allowed to have. During the time the Brit was away I got validated over and over again--SMART move, Mel....you needed to be present. My employer told me 'as much as I wanted to argue your decision to stay--I needed you here'...the decision was 'right' for the circumstances at work.
And what's 'right' in one area can contain pieces that are 'wrong' in others.
Perceptions get formed.
Conclusions get made.
Intentions get challenged--or worse, silently assumed.
Feeling get hurt.
And when one is hurt--'backlash' will happen.
So I went looking for the cause of those mean things said to him (which he won't reveal to me specifically -- he's just not willing to hurt me). And I found some of it--from a misperception that the job was 'more important', that I'd 'won' and didn't 'feel a need to show up', that I 'couldn't be bothered'....things got said to him, because you can say those things to 'one of your own'.
I missed it.
I didn't see it coming.
I made what I believed to be adequate efforts, to make clear to people we care about what the decision was bourne from.
Couple the perception with the resentments of 'a son and a dad a nephew a cousin' not getting to 'be there for us' and there's a mess which got added to. As far as someone simply saying it clearly and loudly--it's jut not 'proper'. Leastwise it's not 'proper' to say it to me.
Apparently, however, there's that poetic license to say it to 'he who hails from your world/your family'.
It sucks he was the recipient of not only a culture who has a perception and opinion of his choice and chastises him for it.....but loved ones who will do that as well.......
It sucks that I did such inadquate work that people I care about were left with a perception I didn't want to leave them with.
*sigh*
It just plain sucks.
And I'm endeavouring to change the things I can, today.
Damage control isn't a whole lotta fun.
*sigh*
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