Sleeping With Bread

And here I am with the weekly examen.

When did I give and receive the most love?
The least love?

And the answer is: ...Thursday.

I intended to leave for work after I caught a few minutes on the patio with himself on Thurday morning.

It didn't turn out quite the way I'd anticipated.

Frankly, I was blown straight out of the water.

(Suddenly I hesitating saying what's true here...... And this is a place I've relied on for being able to say what's true for me. Suddenly having an audience(the impression I leave them with)....matters more than the truth? Small wonder I have that 'homework', eh......especially when I'm more concerned about how it looks than saying what's true....)

*deep breath*

What's true.....

Thursday morning himself and I were on the patio and I was catching a bit of time with him before racing off to work.
It's been a hectic time--seems that's the norm as of late.......

Himself got teary (which I don't handle well, btw) and told me he needed to let me know his 'crazy thinking'.
"Either you're dying and not telling me......or you're having an affair."

Excuse me?

"Either you're dying and not telling me.....or you're having an affair........ See. You're not the only one that has crazy, mixed up thinking."

k.....I can understand the latter--I've lied on more than one occasion (through absence of the truth) about health stuff..... It's my pattern, it's bourne out of my desire to have all my ducks in a row before I go sharing my ducks with someone who's going to get emotionally charged about the circumstances.

Control--or false sense of it...

There's a GREAT rationalization for lying.

But an AFFAIR?!

Me?

I tried not to laugh....I had enough sense to know that laughing would be really, really, REALLY bad.

But c'mon.....ME?

I did assure him that, while we're ALL dying--to the best of my knowledge, while I don't know what's physically wrong with me right now, I don't have news of impending death.
And I asked where this line of thinking came from.

"You're working all the time--and it seems you don't want to spend time with me..... You've lost lot of weight. You're dressing in dresses and skirts all the time, you never wear your levis'....and you got your haircut."

k....

And the answer to the examen is Thursday......and Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
Pick your week....any week......for the last 'goshknowshowlong'.

I can give reasonable, rational, SANE explanations for the 'insane things' he listed as the source of his mixed up insane thinking.
But what I can't do, is reason away the first part of what he said.

Long hours...bringing work home...lost in the insanities of what's required (or what I assume as a standard of 'excellence' for myself) has officially taken it's toll in my relationship.
It'd be easy to focus on the latter part and not recognize the first.

The first part of what he said--is my problem.
The rest--is all his....and he'll need to correct that thinking.....or not......

But that second part does NOT negate the first part.

And I'd be a fool to dismiss it.








Yes. I heard him.
I've got some wreckage to clean up.