Sleeping with Bread

Examens aren't something I'm unfamiliar with.
It's not new and uncharted waters for me.

I have a written Tenth Step Inventory that happens nightly.
It's an overview, a 'taking of stock' of principles that were so foreign to me......ones that seemingly came easily to the world around me.

It's a practice I've disciplined myself to do.

It's just 'another part of the day'.

"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.

Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid?

Do we owe an apology?

Have we kept something to ourselves which should have been discussed with another person at once?

Were we kind and loving towards all?

Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?

Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?"

Sometimes the answers to the questions are painful for me.

I consider this a good thing, even if it's painful and uncomfortable.
It ought to hurt when I rip off people around me.....when I'm not giving others around me the loving actions that they so deserve.

When did I give and receive the most love? The least love? That's one of the examen's questions.

It focuses on me.
Afterall, I'm responsible for making it happen.....or not.

It's not morbid reflection to inventory/examine the week and give myself answers. I am responsible.....only I can decide what I'll do and not do. If I'm not asking the questions I don't have to answer to them. And it's only through asking myself the questions that I come up with answers--and then the actions to make things right or do what ought to have been done to begin with.


I'm not certain why it is folks see the inventory taking as 'beating myself up'.

I guess I'd agree if I weren't clear that my 'worth and value' has nothing to do with what I say or do......my worth and value just IS.

If the message is to stop inventorying because I'm 'beating myself up', then the message is I don't have to be accountable.

Oh, what a mixed up mess I'd be in if I had a signed pass to forego any accountability for my decisions.....external OR internal.....


When did I give the most love?
Let me say what's true.

The whole time I was screaming "What about ME" inside--
I don't think it counts.

My actions were loving-- I'm good at acting.
My motives.....it was 'the right thing to do'.

Did I put me and my selfish little motives on hold while I was doing right actions? No.

Inside--there was 'selfish little me' creating a resentment over 'Where's MINE'.

'What about MEMEME' and 'What about MINE'....two lovely pitfalls I walk into on a regular basis when I haven't bothered to set myself aside and ask to be led in what He'd have me to do.
It's that surrender of all that I FEEL and think that I've yet to do.

I'm pretty clear I'm still holding on to it.


In my head, I knew it was 'the right thing to do'...but there was a stirring of anger and resentment in the making while I was doing it.


I know the underlying thinking/feelings well.....it's 'GHOUQT'.

No matter which way I go--'GHOUQT'.

If I do what I know I need to be doing, it's because I 'have to'.
If I don't do what I know I need to be doing it's because I 'don't wanna'.

Either way..'GHOUQT'.

Therein lies the resentment in the making.

That and the 'where's MINE', 'what about MEMEME'.....

No matter which way I turn--

I don't get to control how my actions are interpretted by another.
I can only do what I can do.

Really.

I'd say I'm dancing as fast as I can--but I know different......


WPIML would say "Surrender or surrender, kid....... One way or another......."