Sleeping With Bread!

Let's talk about borrowing troubles...and how I let that get in the way of what it is that I truly want. And self pity.  Let's talk that too--I seem to have an abundant supply of that when I borrow troubles. And let's talk about the skewed perception that happens when you indulge in both of the above.

*sigh*  My greatest desolation is ME.
The minute I let my magnifying mind move from what it is that I'm purposed to do--what my heart desires TO do......I borrow troubles, wrap myself in self pity--and *poof*  ME/MY/MINE shows up to whisper about what it tells me REALLY true.

Yes, I'm having one of THOSE moments.
I know they're prone to happen--and I know I can either buy into them, toss the whole works into the trash and be 'right' (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) about that jazz--or I can decide ENOUGH.

There's always that turning point, that choice, that moment for me.  There's always that wonderful gift of changing my own mind.
Pride/ego is my enemy....or Allie, it would have me believe...
CHANGE YOUR MIND?!  When you'll look stupid to the world around you?  Are you NUTZ?!  You already look stupid enough, dontchathink?
My 'committee' knows exactly where the jugular is.....*sigh*

So.
Yes..........change my mind.

*sigh*
Do I wanna respond to others in loving manner?
Do I want to be perceived as a 'loving person'....(oh, there's a loaded question at this moment in time....)
Do I want to be available to others?
Do I want to appear open and willing?

I look to see what's changed, externally.
What's happened to move me from point A (opened hands and willing)....to point B (witchy and crabby--and intolerant.....again....).
Such JOY I've had this past week--I'm not making sense of it.
I've read the nightly inventories--looked and looked again.
I cannot make sense of it.......
But it doesn't have to make sense..and I don't have to know the 'why' of it all.  (Ah for the voices that talk louder than stupid committee in my head....thank you for that.)

I WANT it to make sense--to be able to connect the dots.  It helps me detour from the route with the potholes.
Is it required?
No.....not really......

If "X" marks the spot and you're sinking in the quicksand--it's really not the best laid plan to sink while you're trying to 'figure out how you got there'.
GET OUT......MOVE NOW.
Not in a hurried, desperate way.
But a slow, deliberate, purposeful way.

Oh, I'm not 'so far gone' that I've resorted to spouting off and spewing hateful things that would make toes curl as they ran the opposite direction.  I've done enough growing to know THAT'S a stupid plan.
But I've gone so far as to not return a call ....or two.  I've gone so far as to toss the reading book and grumble about the darn fairies......more than once.  (okay.....NOW I can start to laugh at myself cuz I wrote about that earlier this week as a 'red flag'....LOL)  And I've gone so far as to decline invitations for a visitor (twice....) cuz I 'didn't feel like being around people'.

LAUGH--
I've spent 13 WEEKS (also known as a quarter of a YEAR) being away from the mainstream of people....

It doesn't matter how I ended up here.
It matters that I sail my ship to the stars and not by every passing ship.

(darn that poster on the wall that's constantly reminding me WHEN I LOOK......)

Fine.
Slowly.
Deliberately.
Purposefully.

Start with picking up the reading book that's in the middle of the hallway maybe.........

Dare to Have Joy:

*  getting into something besides a skirt!
*  an awesome sunrise through the fog
*  the wobbly train
*  melting snow!