Sleeping with Bread

It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff.

Twelve days.....
For the past twelve days I've experienced something I experienced for years.

Aloneness....

It's been me and the bits of the continuing, amusing world around me.
Seemore and Seeless still scamper around, eating the 'good bits' of Mr. Bunny's corn and burying the rest in the yard. (one more sunshiney day and we'll look like 'Field of Dreams' around this joint) Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal still slip onto the tray feeder and feed the other. Barbie the Pole-Dancing ground squirrel still scurries about shoving food into her little ground squirrely cheeks and runs like mad back to her wee little hole in the ground near the neighbor's shed. (fear of the unseen-for-months cat that lurks, no doubt....)

Life goes on. Things still happen as they've been happening........as they'll continue to happen..
Nothing has changed and everything has changed.

I'm familiar with the aloneness, the solitude...the 'do it yourself' mentality I'd used as my way of life for so many years. I carried it into this shared world once the distance between himself and I was ended. Habitual and comfortable-- I refused to relinquish what worked for years.
Do it yourself, Mel.
Don't start whimping out just cuz there's a 'man around the house'.

*gak!*
Oh gosh.....even puting that in black and white makes me shudder. I've never been one to allow anyone, especially of the male gender, to do for me what I'm perfectly capable of doing myself.
I'll do it myself thankyouverymuch!

And I have.
Having himself around didn't alter that.

People chuckle at the 'role reversal' that seemingly happens in this household.

Yeah....well, thanks--I'll do it myself.
Unless, of course, you wanna do the laundry..
And the cooking?

And you LIKE grocery shopping?! Holy moly....this IS your lucky day!!!!

('Sharing' is required in a partnership they tell me.....)

You mean I can still 'do it myself' AND get out of grocery shopping and cooking and the laundry?!

It don't get much better than that, folks....

And admittedly, I've had it good.
I still have it good. I know I do.

I didn't think the separateness would be an issue.
Really--what have I given up in this partnership? Tasks that I never really liked in the first place? Gee.....what an awful thing to have to give up.
Certainly not the freedom to be all that I am.
Not the decision making, not the freedoms to 'go out and do as you desire to do', not the insanities that I can engage in as I 'work with others'.

We've had our moments.

And it's all been very simple.

"You knew what I was when you picked me up....."


I'm here.
He's there.
He's right where he's suppose to be, doing what he's suppose to be doing.

The aloneness is something else.
It's different than it was when we were doing the distance.
It's not this ever present ache that cuts to the core of me.

It's that moment of searching for the missing tooth the dentist yanked.
It's suppose to be there......I know it's there somewhere--
Oh wait...it's gone....
Shoot.
........Feels funny.......

I'm not 'desolated', my world isn't falling to pieces and I'm not 'non-functional' over this 12 days which will undoubtedly turn into a month if not two....

It just.....
.....Feels funny......

And all the glory to G-d who brought me to 'here'.

Me--the one who hung up all that Mel was about and was designed TO be-- to try to be all that someone else wanted her to be cuz THEN they'd be happy and love her ........maybe, hopefully..... And THEN Mel could be 'good enough'.....maybe......hopefully.....

All the glory to G-d for the teachers who appeared when this stubborn pupil got around to being ready....and for the teachers who took the bludgeonings when the pupil wasn't quite ready.....

All the glory to G-d for being patient and loving....and for letting me swing from one extreme to the other......knowing I'd have to go through I need NO ONE to get to Whoa....I'm already loved madly and passionately EXACTLY AS I AM by G-d...... to get through Gee it's been fun but I don't NEED some person complicating MY life... to arrive at.... I think I might want someone in my life......

All the glory to G-d for helping me discover I didn't have to 'divorce G-d' to be married to a Brit......

The aloneness is do-able.

-1 just........feels funny.......